If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I need to update my racial profile.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume