Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Wait a minute…
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”