My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.