Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
*lint rolls you awake*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.