me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Remember folks 😂
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket