The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
How does one answer this?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Don’t touch that.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change