I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m Sold!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?