It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Why is everyone getting married at me
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.