I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”