My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
went fishing caught a bass
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.