Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me