I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Inside you there are two wolves
Merica.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…