My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp