Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
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[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I’m listening
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
kids play hide and seek like
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.