Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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Finally!
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Cake safety first. Always.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant