the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
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How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit