Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
God has left this place
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Worst Native American name ever.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood