Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off