Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.