[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
And bowling should be called pinball
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story