This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
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I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Duolingo getting serious.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Need WebMD
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.