[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
good for her
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?