I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it