I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Velcrow
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.