You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Perfect
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The little toadstool has spoken.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.