Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy