I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Hero horse inspires millions
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.