When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Something Saturday.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”