Are we there yet?…
You Might Also Like
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫