Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Who needs an Air Fryer?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
The news is so predictable nowadays
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.