Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.