Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
New favorite tiktok
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.