I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?