{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
look at me when i’m typing to you
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip