You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂