First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
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13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.