Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].