I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You Might Also Like
Follow me for more life hacks.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.