When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
looks legit
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
*mops up wine with cat*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
damn he’s good
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel