Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
the council will decide your fate
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.