I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
this is the best day of my life
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Them: Just act casual
Me: