Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?