I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
crying
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
DOOO EEEET
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.