My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: