I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I like long walks away from everyone
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.