Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
You Might Also Like
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”