Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN