Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
You Might Also Like
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
seems fine
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.