[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
just pretend nothing happened
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.