FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
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You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
life finds a way
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap